Allergic to love

I kicked a cat this morning. Ready for this? I'll even say it again in efforts to produce some residue of guilt: I kicked a cat this morning. And I don't feel bad about it at all. Nope nothing. Please believe me when I say that I love most animals, and also that I pray my dear Auntie–to whom so generously feeds and shelters me–never reads this.

But this cat needs me so much. It's disgusting. After growing up with my beloved kitten for almost 12 years, I've become accustomed to a certain type of cat. Bubblegum was an independent woman. She ate when she wanted. Went out when she wanted. And pretty much just coexisted in the same house.

But now I live with a cat who must be fed from a can morning and night and let out and let in and–no matter how itchy and blood-shot your eyes become–must be held and petted and loved. He doesn't care. He has no opinion on the fact that you wake in the night to violent sneezing only to find him happily nestled at your feet. Or the reality that if you shut him out, your dreams will be quickly shattered by the sounds of him weeping outside your door.

Why does it make me so angry? Aren't we all just meowing for someone to love us? scratching outside someone's door at 2:00 in the morning, just so we can purr and claw them at the same time. Maybe this is why I'm bad at long-term relationships. Can't I just have a pretty man cat who doesn't need me too much and cuddles on my terms? What's the problem? I think I need to be kicked.

onlinehomesafety.com

I just told a man at willy's that I was "very rape-able." Allow me to put it into context. I always feel the need to chat up the people who make my burritos.
1. Because I used to make burritos professionally and understand the burn of hot taco grease.
2. Because I want to justify the fact that I am there several times a week, and therefore, I simply NEED the employees to know I am at least border-line normal.

So yadalee doo. I was exchanging a nice banter with this man. I said it must be very hot back there. and he said yes, it is. And I said you guys should name this burrito after me. not because i'm so great, but because I know a mean burrito. The hint of lime is key. And he said Damn. That is a lot of mace on your keychain. And i said

well, I'm VERY rape-able.

And immediatley I regretted it. Seriously, I don't mean it, Karma or wood. or whoever. And I felt like the whole restaurant cringed, and now I have another thing to add to my Most Regretted Things I've Said Outloud in 2009 List. AND I can't go to that Willy's for at least a week.

at least not on friday's. at least not at 4:00.